Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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