Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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