Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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