turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
