God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize