$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I looked at my own cervix.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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