I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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