i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
