A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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