We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
