I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He felt like a one man threesome
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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