Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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