Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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