The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
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