Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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