1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
