margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
