My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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