I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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