yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Randomize
