you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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