I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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