Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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