My liver just broke up with me...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
