I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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