I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
