You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
