Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
