Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
