just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
