I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize