Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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