I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
