my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Boobs speak an international language.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I smell like Dick and happiness
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