I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
