i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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