she woke up with a sticky ear
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
