planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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