I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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