help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
