Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
