I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
