I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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