I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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