were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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