Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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