Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
