you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
