At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
