i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
