Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize