Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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