it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Watching her eat just hurts me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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