I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize