I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
