Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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