I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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