I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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