Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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