You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
