Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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